F.A.I.L

10 months later.

Back up to 355 lbs and hardly badass at all.

Well, maybe that’s not true. I’m freakishly strong. That’s pretty badass. However, I am still a fatass. Even more so than I ever was.

I could call this project a failure and be done with it, but I’m not going to do that. It would be akin to giving up my hope for ever losing weight for realsies, and I can’t do that. I won’t.

Of course, just saying “I’ll never give up” and continuing with the same yo-yo habits isn’t much use either. It’s just as bad as not even bothering in the first place. I’m not changing anything, but each time I start working on my health, I expect the result to be different – I expect that this time it will stay off. And it never does.

So what’s that alleged Einstein quote – “Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” According to Einstein, I’m indubitable insane (but then again, according to other sources, that quote has falsly been attributed to Einstein so who knows what Einstein would think of me? And who cares, really – major tangent here).

Ultimately, I need to change something. I know what to eat. I know that I need to track. I know that working out will help me become more fit and perhaps keep my lean body mass rather than losing it due to calorie deficit. I know I should drink lots of water and get lots of sleep, that I shouldn’t restrict anything lest I feel deprived, that success breeds motivation and I need to celebrate all of my successes, just like the good little Westjetter that I am.

This time I not only have the help of the GDT (the awesome online community that I’m a part of), but I’ve finally found a GP who is helping me with this. I have never really seen a doctor about weight loss – not officially. Several weeks ago I scheduled an appointment with my new doctor whom I really like so far just to discuss my weight. He seems very enthusiastic about helping me, which motivates me. He’s referred me to a program offered by the healthcare network his clinic is part of. The program is a 4 week workshop that deals with thoughts about eating and how we can change them. Sounds good to me. The only problem is that it’s wait-listed. I’m waiting to hear back from the program coordinator – could be June, could be December. Boo.

I’ve got just two goals for May – track food and track exercise. One of our wise GDT members is incredibly knowledgeable about weight loss and fitness, and pointed out that tracking is a skill that needs to be practiced. Why wait until after my vacation to start?

Such simple concepts. Sometimes I want to punch myself in the face for being so controlled by food.

And the gym? Well, last September my small training group fell apart and my trainer suggested that I attend the small group classes – spin, circuit, TRX & kettlebell etc – as it would be cheaper than PT. She didn’t suggest I do individual PT, or even foist me off on somebody else. I felt this was my only option. But the small group classes are really good, so it was a decent idea anyhow. The only problem is that when I’m accountable to nobody other than myself, I have very little desire to roll out of bed at 5am to get to a 6am class.

I did not go to the gym from October through December.

In January I met with the gym owner and he suggested a plan for me – train with one of the other trainers, DJ, once a week and attend group classes on the side. Of course, I ended up going just once a week for an hour, and not much was happening in terms of progress. Earlier this month I talked to DJ about doing 30 minutes twice a week. I’d work out for the full hour, but he would train me for 30. And then Ron, the owner of the place, suggested I attend spin and circuit twice a week as well. Considering I have to pay in advance according to their new payment model, that adds accountability. It’s been working well for the past couple of weeks. I still love that gym, although I have some issues with it. That’s another post.

So that’s where I am – raring to go and to try and learn something new. I’m hoping my doctor can help me change my thought patterns regarding food. I’m determined to meet my goals for May, even though I’ll be out of town for more than two weeks. I need to fucking do this.

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